Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
