i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
