dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
