Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
