Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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