I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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