I can't watch pbs sober anymore
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
