So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
