i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize