Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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