I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize