smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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