I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Randomize