dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
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