I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
