maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
