Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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