Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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