I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
