Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
You took a bar mat shot.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
