I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
