you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Be still, my beating vagina.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
