i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
