She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
