OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Randomize
