Betty ford says i'm here all night
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
my being single is dangerous.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I need to sanitize my soul.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
