i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
