maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Randomize
