The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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