They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
