So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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