My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
