I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
