I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
