There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
