***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
