my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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