Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
They are going to name an STD after you.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Randomize
