I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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