I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
