you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
