I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
