wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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