You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
