Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
