I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
