I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Randomize
