What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
