you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
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