He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Randomize
