apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
