I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize