i came on her dog
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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