So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
