this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
