the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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