I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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