I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
