dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
