Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
