there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
