I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
