I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
