Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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