I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Randomize
