he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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