Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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