Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
