Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
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