So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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