the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
